Fighting against stress and depression

This is my third day in a row to work from home. I don't think it actually helps much save the fact that I can sleep in as late as I want. This morning I've already been asked about when I want lunch, what I want for lunch, how much I want, when I want it (again), what I want (again, this time with an alternative choice to my previous choice), when my brother's waking up, when I am going to wake my brother up, and so on. All this happens within an hour. *sigh*

I'm starting to think that the stress has escalated into depression. Not TOO bad yet, or rather I think it's actually got better. I don't feel the despair I felt a while ago. All that probably thanks to Petey who actually did a very good job of keeping me sane.

Anyway, still a long way to go, at least it's slowly getting better. I'll get back to work now...

STRESSED. Now with capitalisation goodness

I spent a good half of yesterday edging on a nervous breakdown because of this stress business.

Pete decided that I need to calm down, and I think he's right. I got a plan ready. Just need to get enough data segment and run a batch job and see what I can say about them for the proposal. Worse come to worst I'll run something in the weekend too.

But it's just getting to the point that I'm almost unreasonable you know. Between this deadline, and the supervisor being unreasonable, and my father, I don't know how much more I can take. Although, a good thing is that I think I have more time than I thought for my proposal.

I think.

I hope.

Research Difference

I'm almost tempted to file a complaint for my supervisor for just constantly firing useless ideas and refuse to help me with my ideas, which I presume because I've been working on the ideas for longer that I'd have more ideas on. Honestly some of the ideas he gave is the kind that I can just raise my eyebrow and go "What the...?"

I'm just trying to do some of this stuff and try to keep him happy, then I can actually get to do some real work. o_O Frankly I'm just getting annoyed now o_O

Borderlining Apathy

I'm slowly getting to the point where I can't be bothered about anything. o_O This whole week is has been one of the most stressful. With tonight being my brother's 21st party, hopefully it'll be a lot less stressed out after today. I hope.

I've got sushi for lunch today though. 5 sushi coz I woke up late and already had one of the instant oat meal thigny for brekkie. Now I think I'll just enjoy my lunch, and then relax for a bit before I go and see my supervisor. o_O

Distraction

I'm extremely distracted today. Not just my normal distraction: this is a "I can't write a proper email to Petey" sorta distraction. Dunno why. Probbaly because I slept A LOT today. Then again I've been stressed out for a long time and I really can do with a proper break. Except of course next week is going to be stressed out again. ARGH.

Ah well... I'll get this proposal thingy sorted soon. o_O

Low motivation, again

At least I don't feel stressed out. :P

I've been going through this cycle of "stressed out - low motivation - stressed out - high productivity DAY - stressed out again" for a while. With the deadline for the proposal getting closer and closer everyday, I start to question whether it was wise to actaually get stressed out at all: it'd save me a bit of time.

Anyway, had a REALLY good lunch with my brother today, when he filled me in for what happen when I'm not at home (not I didn't run away from home, I just out very often). Apperantly he has pretty much declared war on my dad. He was telling me all about the wonderful comebacks he came up with. Well, at least I'm glad they're talking, I guess.

Right, read a little bit on fark and then I'll start "work" :P

Lisa Secrete Punch Recipes

Had a really strange dream last night. Can't remember much of it but I remember making a non-alcoholic punch. It's a sweet drink. The recipes as follows should you want to try it.

WARNING: I hold NO responsibility should anyone actually TRY this. You've been warned.

Baked Beans: 1 can
Chinese fermanted soy bean sauce: 1/2 cup
Just Juice Bubbles: 1/2 bottle
Seads of half a rock melon
Mini rock melon: 5 slices

To make the cocktail: Put Baked beans and bean sauce in blender. Mixed until combined as a paste, add Just Juice bubble, melon seeds and slices. Stir.

I think this dream is a sign: Don't ever become a bartender...

Overwhelmed...

I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed with the work going on around me. Again.

I know. It's not the first time it's happened, but it still worries me you know.

*sigh*

Stressed out and tired

Well, I'm not too sured about the "stressed out" part. I think I am except I can't really tell because I've been constantly tired for a while. Decided to eat normal again (and try hard not to think about it) to see whether that'd help.

I had a lot of problem trying to get up this morning. I think I was just extremely tired. Idon't know why. But I suppose Quite a lot of things are happening at once and I kinda need to juggle thigns a bit to make sure I still stay on top of things.

Okie, ranting aside, I'm gonna go back to work. *sigh*... Just gonna force myself ot get as much done as possible this week. *yawn*

Swollen eyes

Woke up today and my eyes still sting a little. Not to mention quite a bit swollen. I knew it's going to happen. I normally do after crying too much the night before.

It's probably sounds too trivialfor me to write about it. But still.

It's not the first time my dad calls me fat. But what I don't understand is that WHY he's still saying it knowing how I react everytime. It took a lot of convincing for me to eat normal again (I was eating about half what I should be eating for quite a while after when he first came back and keep saying I'm fat.)

The thing I remember the msot when I was younger was that I was constantly being teased at and picked on, with kids saying I'm fat, or that I look strange, or that I just AM strange. I spent countless lunchtime in the library, mostly because no one wants to hang out with me. I've been called fatso or piggy. It's not something I just put behind, especially when I was suicidal for quite a while becasue of that. I don't handle comments about my weight well.

Yet every now and then, just when I get better, my dad will just throw a comment and say I'm fat. And of course when I just break down it's my fault that I break down. Because I should handle comments like that just fine.

Right now: I'm scared of food again. And it's just bad because I know I can't just avoid food, but I'm just scared to eat and get stressed out comes meal time. I don't know. I'll get over it. I guess. I just don't know how I can stay sane sometimes.

21st invite...

My little brother is turning 21. (I know. Aww...) And I got the job to design the invite. Pete helps. We have a nice wine bottle photoshopped to put his photo on there. :P

Anyway. Other than that i'm not doing too much. In fact I'm doing SO little it scares me. But I just don't know where to go from here I guess: got all these data and don't know what to do with it. But I'll get there. I think I should look at some classification thing right now...

Ah well. :|

Pre-emptive blogging

I've decided that if I should stay positive about my blog, I should be writing these BEFORE I attempt (and fail) to do my "research for the day". :P

Anyway, I've been having a somewhat annoying day yesterday, the funding for my conference doesn't come through which means I can't go. :\ Mega annoyed. But then I guess on the bright side I can save money faster, not to mention I don't have to be away from Pete for too long.

In other news... err... well I don't even have my lunch to wirte about right now. I can say though I'm finishing reading Odd Thomas soon. The way I see it at the moment, Odd might THINK he knows who was the real murderer but I think it's someone else. Let's see eh.

Okay then, I'll read more on what I can do, and then try to do it. (life of a PhD researcher... *sigh*)

Even more unmotivation goodness!

Recently my motivation sort of plummet. I'm not too sure whether it's just the fact that it's winter or that my research seems a bit stuck again. *sigh*. The annoying thing is that when I'm not motivated, it's not just my research that gets affected. I also get really relectlant to do other things like organising my brother's 21st party. Eek indeed.

That said, I'll try to get all that confirmed and booked and finish soon, get my paper all polished up and hopefully get to go to that conference that I've been accepted to. (It all comes down to funding now actually...)

Right. Now back to trying to attempt to pretend to work. o_O

Stingy serving of Wasabi

So the sushi place has this LONG line there (didn't realise exam week meane even more people eating at uni...). I've decided I'm too hungry to wait so I went to the main cafe in uni instead, and bought sushi from there.

So now I can finally write about why sushi from the main cafe is evil:

1) The rice: I've never seen sushi looking like that before. It's like if they glued the rice together, because that's what it tasted like. Sushi rice should be mixed with vinegar and sugar and there's no evidence of any of those. Plus they must've fitted in like a whole bowl of rice to one sushi: it's THAT dense

2) Ginger: I never really like the pickled ginger, but the unhealthy tint of rusty yellow as opposed to the pretty hot pink kinda put me off even more. If that's indeed is possible.

3) The wasabi: okay, what the hell were they thinking when they put in that almost mousse like pastel green substance to fool us that it's wasabi? It tasted like watered down wasabi, and there just enough to flavour one sushi, when there're 5 in the box. o_O VERY annoyed.

It's not that much cheaper either. o_O

I think I'm just going to wash everything down with my orange juice and be done with it. o_O

One of those days

Yeah just one of those days that things happening and really don't feel like working. But I HAVE got some interseting looking graph so that's good.

After that that I have to see whether I can find other intersting thing too...

Silly time wasting song

First I was afriad
I was petrified
How the hell am I supposed to get those codes done on time?
But then I looked up other books
Copy all the codes they wrote
And I grew strong
And I know code along
With a cup of tea
And more caffeine
I can get this GUI coded with pretty graphics to deceive
I know this song doesn't really rhyme
But hey I don't give a dime
Coz it's not proper poetry
And I can write whatever that I please

And now click "GO"
And watch data flows
Stare at the screen now
Coz I don't know when it'll crash, oh no
Then I have to go through all the code
Then I blame new codes and and the old
At the end I'll find out
The code never really made any sense and all

And then I cry
Coz Matlab died
That stupid laptop didn't come with enough memory supply
While staring at the frozen screen
Thinking maybe I should get ice-cream
Then I'll be fine
I'll survive
Hey, hey!

--
NOTE: no my Matlab haven't died... yet. I did spend the morning debugging this really stupid bug. (Ended up it's Matlab's fault, as usual.) I don't thik I'll get ice-cream either. It's a bit too code. I only wrote ice-cream coz it rhymes with screen... kinda. I'll get sushi though. Hmm... sushi. That song wasted a good 20 minutes. Back to coding I go. :)

Banana effect

Met up with a friend I haven't caught up with for a while over the weekend. He's a fellow "banana" (Asians who are "white" on the inside, but still "yellow" on the outside), and in a way it's enlightening.

I don't think I've always been a banana. I used to hang around with the Asian group all the time when I was in undergrad. Granted I was one of those who actually have friends outside of the Asian circle, but still not entirely a banana. Although how much of it as basically peer pressure and trying to fit in I'm not too sure.

I suppose somewhere along the line I just didn't really feel like I belong I guess. Particularly in the Hong Kong circle, where everyone is the same. Everyone's watching the same programmes (Chinese ones, mind you), listening to the same music, wearing the same clothes. It's all a bit too much. Heck, they even have the same hairstyles. For someone quirky and hate conformity, it's all a bit too much.

Sometimes I'm worried that maybe I am rascist myself. It's strange. It's possibly because I just can't really stand people with a narrow view, or just being plain shallow. And for some reason I have associate these traits with being Asian. Don't get me wrong, I know there are people who doesn't quite fit that discription. Then again chances are those are bananas too. Sometimes I do wonder whether it's because the way people act in an over-populated is just, well, different.

This sort of thinking almost drive me psychotic. I know I shouldn't really generalise people like that. (And I know a lot of good friends of mine who doesn't fit that description, as well as non-Asian conforming to some sort of "social norm"... actually in a sense the whole world is slowly conforming to s social norm and in a way that's kinda scary.) In a way I wish I don't have to automatically classify people base on they appearance. Given enough time with anyone you can see that everyone is a friend. But ARGH! Just catching myself stereotyping people sometimes is very very worrying.

Sometimes I would like to blame on the way our brain classify things, sometimes I would like to blame the world telling us being asian is a bad thing, but at the end of the day, it's still myself judging people when I don't have a right to.

This almost self-hate attitude towards our own enthic group is just one of the paradoxes of being a banana.

Slowly back to health

Still slightly dizzy, but I'm getting there. It's rather difficult to concentrate and work while you're still slightly sick though. That's the down side of things. I'm still a wee bit dizzy and find it hard to really think at all.

Other than that I'm not too bad. Slowly getting organised about my trip to Aussie. It's actually not that far off. *sigh*.

Ah well. Gonna chill and then read/work/something...

Still sick...

Still can't really eat this morning. I did get a whole piece of bread though. Otherwise dad won't let me step out of the house.

Becasue of this I'm only haveing 3 sushis today. Might get more food in when I'm hungry.

I'm getting a lot better though. At least I don't feel like throwing up, just really really funny tummy I guess. So hoping it'll be gone altogether by tonight. (Considering we're going out for dinner... Italian food too...)

Still slightly sick :(

Spending today at home resting... Still slightly sick but at least I don't feel like throwing up any more.

Got accepted into a conference, while it's good that I can meet some of the big names there, I don't know whether I should be too happy. Firstly Pete and I might have to be apart from about a week at least. o_O That's never good. Then there's the financial side of things. Hopefully I can get that covered too. And then, there's the fact that I'm already busy around August to start with.

ARGH! o_O At least I get another paper under my name... look on the bright side...